So damn tired…..

I’ve been feeling depressed over the last couple of days so I haven’t posted. There’s no particular reason just a blanket of darkness over me where every little thing seems so big. I cried because a little girl at pre school called my little boy naughty, that’s how out of proportion every is getting. Today’s been better. After getting myself nervous about my driving lesson it actually went really well, putting me on a high for the rest of the day. I’ve even decided to put a proposal together to apply for a career development opportunity and funding for a project close to my heart, which is providing library services and activities for children with autism and other special needs. 

Hubby goes to the big hospital in Hull tomorrow for an appointment at the sleep clinic about his snoring and suspected sleep apnea. If they can give him some advice on improving the whole snoring thing, that would help me so much. It’s no wonder I feel so tired and grumpy all the time as he’s keeping me awake all night snuffling like a warthog. And I feel mean nudging him awake to push him onto his side but the down side to his ileostomy bag is that as the night wears on it feels up with gas like a big balloon and kind of pushes him over to my side. I have to be careful not to push him back too hard….bag explosions in the night are not fun….I know this from experience. I never expected these conundrums in my life. 

Tomorrow is back to school day….and while I’m looking forward to the peace and quiet during the day I know it’ll bring a while new set of challenges. If my eldest can stay out of trouble and the youngest just cope I’ll be a happy mummy bunny. 

Madness and form filling…

It was madness in the library yesterday, it was busy from start to finish. We had the police in and stolen bikes. Lots of people joining and applying for jobs. The unfortunate thing was of all the people joining yesterday not many wanted books, they wanted the computers. At the moment we do feel like a job club, CV’s and job applications, people desperately getting their job application quota in so they are not sanctioned. In a small town like ours it’s heartbreaking watching people so desperate for work and there just isn’t any unless you want to be an agency factory worker. For many people in my area the library is the only place to print and to use a computer. The area is deprived and while more and more services are only available online, not everyone has a computer or the skills to use it. In this climate, libraries are so needed and yet our authority is closing seven. Which is why I had form filling, although we will open longer hours there still need to be jobs for everyone else from the other libraries. It is heartbreaking watching the service being split apart like this. I’ve worked in the library for 10 years and I’m watching people I’ve worked with for so long asking for redundancy because they are so unhappy. The whole dynamic will change and only time will tell how things will be in a months time. So I’ve filled in my form, hoping I’m kept in the library I work in now, hoping my hours won’t be reduced and hoping I don’t get a rota that is completely unsuitable for me. 

Watching Most Haunted with Bullet for my Valentine last night with my ten year old. Yvette bores me now as I can’t help think everything is staged but I would so watch the Bullet for my Valentine ghost hunting show. Half way through I went to make myself a cup of tea, while I was stood by the kettle I had a sudden strong feeling of someone stood behind me, before I could turn I heard my name whispered very low and clear in my ear. Husband was my bed, ten year old hadn’t moved from the sofa…..I actually had a little search of the house so clear was the voice. I have to admit I was a little rattled. 

3 positives

I was nominated on Facebook for the 3 positive things for 7 days. I actually really wanted to be nominated because it’s such a lovely thing and I’ve found myself thinking throughout my day of the positive things I would write down. Today, was Caleb orientated, my youngest boy. He’d slept through the night so I was better rested, he’d had a good day at school and they tried to put my mind at rest that in the new term he would be just fine, and I also chose that it is nearly pay day, so I can finish paying for my Rome trip in October. Later on I added a 4th….Caleb peed in the toilet! For the first ever time, he seems to have conquered his fears of falling down the loo and he did it. Fingers crossed it will happen again. I was going to reward him with Pringles but he’d already found them. It feels like a positive time in general at the moment despite all the upheaval at work. For the first time in a long time, we have some money in the bank, and the future looks like we have options rather than just plodding along. 

A long long day….

After a night of wakefulness due to a little boy with night terrors and a series of bed swaps I had to work until 6.45 tonight and I’m so tired. I’m proud of myself for not eating a whole pack of biscuits because that’s what I really want to do. I made hungry caterpillars today for my Little readers group at the library and met a lovely little chatterbox who liked power rangers and dinosaurs, she didn’t like dresses and was concerned caterpillars might be girly. I also met a mum who was scared of anything caterpillar shaped. I didn’t get a chance to read my stories as I had a meeting. It’s worrying having to apply for a job all over again but at the end of it I might be in the a chance of applying for a proper librarian post, so I feel positive that everything will work out as it should. 

I finished my prep of my comic and super heroes chatter books group. I have 2 sessions next week and I’m really excited about this one, not as much as doing a spooky story one but excited all the same. 

Really today has been about getting through and bursting into tears every so often. I need a good night sleep and things will look brighter in the morning. 

Can’t wait for a day at work!

My main goals at the minute is to get into the zone with diet and fitness because having gone from about 15 stone to 10 stone I do not want to go back there. But I’ve been naughty and it’s so hard to keep my head out of the peanut butter jar. Two days of being a good girl now and I went to the gym today. I also was prepared and made a slimming world quiche. 

My next goal is to pass my driving test. I had another lesson today. I took two tests about 5 years ago before my hubby got ill, but failed. Nerves got the better of me but with abit of money in our pockets at the minute and hubby being unable to learn to drive because of his medication, I thought I’d face my fears. I’ve been ok up until today. Today for some unknown reason, I was a nervous sweaty wreck. I do not want to do it today, I want to give up. It’s so important for us though that at least one of us drive, holidays, camping and general things would be so much easier. I must do this even though I feel so down about it today. It wasn’t the best start when son number one ran in front of the car as I was driving off. When I get home I also find he’s been grounded for playing knock door run on the next door neighbours door. 

I’ve been crafty too, autumn is my most favourite time of the year and I’m feeling the need for candles and knitting and stuff. I’ve been looking at ways to use my empty glass jars so today made a coffee scented tea light holder, decorated with craft tape from the pound shop. 

I thought it was cute and it smells lovely when the coffee beans warm up. I have nowhere to put it though as Caleb wants to fiddle with it, probably throw the beans everywhere. 

So with the oldest boy grounded, the youngest is tiring us out. I cannot wait for him to go to child care tomorrow for a break. He’s trodden poo on his wellies through the house onto the carpet, made us wrestle him into his buggy when he went into hulk mode at the park, thrown cat biscuits over the floor (he didn’t eat them though….so that’s progress), he’s smeared shampoo through his hair so it was all sticky and now he’s throwing things over his gate down the stairs when he should be sleeping. I know he can’t help it but he’s also constantly humming all day which starts to fray the nerves after an hour or so. 

Fun part of the day was subjecting the eldest boy to the ice bucket challenge. He did it in aid of Macmillan, a cause close to our hearts as three friends are currently battling cancer. He does a lot of things for charity and I’m proud that he thinks of others.

I’ve been rubbish…….

I’ve been away for some time. I kind of felt because I’d left it so long I couldn’t come back. But having recently started another blog dedicated to living life with an autistic 3 year old I also felt I couldn’t  abandon this one when it was still so new. The last 6 months or so have been crazy. We had good news, my eldest son does not have Crohn’s Disease and is lactose intolerant. Hubby went into hospital last October and had his ileostomy bag made permanent and the last bits of his large bowel removed. But then we also went through a process when my 3 year old was diagnosed with autism. There’s a whole new blog about that. At the time, it felt too much and blogging was the last of my worries. I was angry at the world for giving me so much to deal with. Now I feel the need to write again and of course I can cope, I have more blessings than miseries in my life.

This week my diet has gone by the wayside but it was hubbies birthday and we went to Lincoln for cream tea at The Collection. It’s an amazing little FREE museum with something for everyone. We attempted the castle but little one had a meltdown, my spiritual side suggests he picked up the buildings grim history. My more sceptical side says we didn’t prepare him for a day out, we changed his routine and made him anxious by introducing too many changes in one day. It is a learning curve for us, we have had to go back to basics on everything we know about parenting with Caleb. Hubby has done it twice before and me once but he is such a different (but amazing) creature. We have to learn how to be a parent to him all over again.  Anyway, back to The Collection….I was beginning to think Caleb wouldn’t be happy at all but they have a lovely little play area for younger children, which is importantly escape proof. He loved it there, not too big and not too small. He dressed up as a knight and we played, while hubby and my older son went round the museum. It was on the whole a challenging day but I think a good one. It taught us though that Caleb isn’t ready for holidays or days out. I just hate leaving him out of family life. Deep down I know I’m not making him any happier. 

In other news, I am currently at risk in my beloved job working at the library. Best case scenario will involve a change of hours and timetable. I feel quite resentful. I LIKE my rota as it is. They don’t realise how hard it is for me as a carer to both my son and husband to change my routine. But I wouldn’t give up my job. I’ve been doing Chatter Book sessions recently which is a book club for children 7-11 years. It is SO much fun. I’ve had mainly boys attending and we’ve had sessions on Doctor Who, Pirates and Horrible Histories. The next one is going to be on Comics and Super Heroes…which I am really looking forward too. I think Octobers session will definitely be on spooky stories, it’s my favourite time of year after all. October this year will be awesome. I’m going to Rome with my mum for a short break, I have a whole week off work at Halloween, and of course the Halloween burlesque night we go to every year :)